Drop the Rope

A common mistake people make with children is getting into a power struggle with them. In his insightful book, It’s Not Fair! (Farrar, Straus & Girous, 1995), Anthony Wolf describes how children have a grown up, coping, reasonable side and a tantrum-throwing, regressed, “baby-self” which just loves to snare or hook adults into a power struggle. When children regress, it feeds their sense of power to get an adult overreacting and drawn into a battle. Better, says Wolf, to switch into our “business-like, firm, but detached” parenting or counseling mode and not escalate.

To make this point more visually, I often use a piece of rope or line in a simple demonstration. I might role-play cleaning up at camp. When the “child” is asked to help clean up, he might refuse, saying something provocative that a child might say, like, “My parents don’t pay for me to clean up!” Then I throw the rope.

Most adults make the mistake of unconsciously picking up the rope – meaning they begin to escalate with the child, growing angrier, more threatened and therefore more threatening, all to little avail. (The child, meanwhile, is getting a secret rush out of being able to command all of this power.) Visualizing the rope helps us grownups to remember to “drop the rope!”

The only way I know of to win a “tug-of-war” with a child who is angling for a battle is to drop the rope. What this means in child behavior management terms is moving into a less inflammatory, more business-like, matter-of-fact way of interacting with the child. These strategies are listed in a kind of hierarchical order, the concept being to try to use the least intrusive method of response before moving to a more powerful or forceful one.

Children today are used to having choices and lots of them. Using choices as a strategy, however, offers children a sense of power and a face-saving way to comply. The keys to using choices effectively are:

• Make the choices real and reasonable
• Offer them in a genuine way
• Be clear about what is not a choice
• Stick to the choices you offer
• Help the child make a “good choice”

If giving choices does not work, a level two response may be required, such as a time out, giving a consequence for failure, or talking with a child in greater depth to determine if some other undetected problem may be playing itself out through the child’s misbehavior.
The second level of response is “state your expectation and detach.” This response is not effective with younger or more impulsive children. However, with a large percentage of children, ages 10 to 15, this technique is very effective. Simply follow the three-point procedure:

• State what you expect clearly, firmly, yet in a calm manner
• Avoid becoming embroiled in any arguments, protests or threats
• Restate what you expect and leave the youngster to stew in his or her juice

When other attempts have failed, it is appropriate to create a contract with children. Guidelines include:

• Keep it simple – identify at most three behaviors to be changed or targeted
• Have the child participate – what do they need or want (for example, someone to talk with?)
• State expected behavior in positive terms
• Have consequences written into the contract
• Have rewards, payoffs, relief, time frames written into the contract
• Have all parties sign it